Remembering
by sweeet-as-honey
Summary: It's coming up to the anniversary of the crash and Jeff's death. Ethan is struggling. All Cal wants is to help.
1. Chapter 1

_I'm sorry for posting so much! I will post Double Trouble later tonight as I didn't post a new chapter last night, but I'll take a day off posting Losing You as I don't want you to get fed up with me._

 _ **CBloom2** challenged Cal and Ethan fans to write a story about the anniversary of the crash and help us over the pain of two whole weeks without our favourite brothers. This is my effort - it will probably have two chapters._

* * *

It was getting so close.

Nearly a year ago today.

Ethan was trying not to think about it, but it was impossible not to. Everything he saw seemed to remind him of Jeff; of that journey in the bus. He saw ambulances every day, but they'd taken on a new significance now: reminding him of a man who'd once worked in one. Every day there were patients with burns or injuries from car crashes. Two or three times, Ethan found himself treating patients called Jeff.

He hadn't seen it happen. He'd been unconscious and on his way to the ED. But he'd imagined it so many times and now he was beginning to see it in his dreams. The bus lying on his side. Jeff entering. The bus going up in flames.

His vision blurred. Ethan blinked his tears away. He'd got through this once before; he could get through it again. It shouldn't be as bad this time. It was no more than an echo of what had happened.

He would be okay.

* * *

Cal was worried about Ethan.

It was far more usual for Ethan to worry about Cal, but Cal had seen the look in his little brother's eyes and known what it meant. That haunted, fearful, guilty look, usually in response to patients with similar injuries and references to the date.

He'd mentioned it to Ethan, of course. When Cal was worried about Ethan, he didn't usually keep it to himself. But Ethan had always shrugged, insisting he was fine. Never better.

Cal kept a close eye on him. It probably annoyed Ethan, but Cal didn't care. He had to be there for Ethan if anything happened.

* * *

Ethan was driving the van. Honey was sitting beside him and Cal was in the back. This surprised him: it just seemed wrong. He was taking them all to the conference. He knew Connie, Lily, Tess and Ash were going too. Presumably, they were in the back with Cal. He was a bit surprised Ash and Tess were going. He thought there was some reason why they couldn't be there, but he couldn't think what it was.

As for Honey, he didn't know why she was there. Perhaps she was going to supply refreshments, but he had a feeling that was impossible. Maybe it was because he couldn't imagine Connie inviting a barista to an important conference. Yes: that was the only explanation.

He only wished she wasn't there. The sight of her; the sound of her voice; the scent of her perfume. Even now, she was breaking his heart.

"Ethan! Stop looking at me and look at the road!" said Honey.

Ethan looked up and saw the car. He froze, just for a split second.

The car ploughed into the bus.

* * *

Cal sat bolt upright when he heard the screams. For a moment, he froze, but then he jumped out of bed and ran to Ethan's room. Ethan was tossing and turning in the bed. His hair was sticking to his forehead, which was damp with perspiration. He'd stopped screaming now, but moans came from his lips as he clutched a handful of pillow.

Cal began to stroke his hair. He knew it was better to soothe Ethan as he slept rather than to wake him, but it was horrible seeing him so unhappy and afraid and being powerless to help.

To his relief, Ethan soon began to settle down. The moans stopped and he became still. Cal picked up the duvet, which Ethan had kicked away in his agitation, and tucked it around his little brother.

"I'm here for you, Ethan," he whispered. "Whatever happens, I'll be here."

* * *

Everything felt odd the next day. Nothing seemed quite real. If it was this bad today, what would it be like tomorrow? Ethan tried to concentrate on his patients, but his mind kept drifting away and he knew that, while he might manage in cubicles, he was in no condition for Resus.

His first thought was to tell Cal he was struggling, but he didn't want to worry him and Cal had no power to keep Ethan out of Resus. Only Connie could do that and Ethan couldn't imagine telling her how awful he felt.

He was just being stupid anyway. He was a doctor and he needed to be professional. His emotions didn't matter. Particularly not when they related to something that had taken place almost a year ago.

* * *

"Yes, Dr Knight? Can I help you?" said Connie.

Cal felt so disloyal. He couldn't quite believe he was about to tell Connie about his brother's private feelings – so private that he hadn't even revealed them to Cal – but he didn't see what choice he had. "It's about Ethan."

"If Dr Hardy has a problem, don't you think Dr Hardy should be the one who-" Connie stopped. She must have seen something in Cal's face. "Sit down, Dr Knight."

Cal sat. "He's not himself today, Mrs Beauchamp. I'm not sure he should be working."

"Don't you think I should be the judge of that?" said Connie.

"Yes, of course," said Cal. "But if you haven't seen him…"

"Of course I've seen him," said Connie. "And I'm well aware he's not himself. Part of my job is to notice when something is wrong with a member of my staff and to keep a close eye on them if necessary. If Dr Hardy gets to the stage where I feel he shouldn't be working, I will let him know."

"Okay," said Cal. He wasn't happy, but he knew he had no right to ask for more. "Thanks, Mrs Beauchamp. I appreciate it."

Connie's expression softened. "Believe me, Cal, I know what's wrong with Ethan and I did consider sending him home. But I can't help feeling it's better for Ethan to work through it. If I send him home, he's going to feel guilty and miserable and then he could have the same problem next year. I'm sure working is the best thing for him."

 _And the best thing for the hospital_ , Cal couldn't help thinking, but he didn't dare say it out loud.

* * *

Ethan awoke to find his cheeks wet with tears. It wasn't the first time this had happened. It wasn't even the first time tonight. He told himself to go back to sleep, but the tears continued to fall and he knew if he slept, the nightmares would return.

He hadn't had nightmares about the crash for months and he'd believed they'd finally stopped. He had a feeling they'd stop again once the anniversary had passed, but that was little comfort to him now. Ethan turned over and cried into his pillow. Into his mind came the idea that he could go and find Cal: he longed for his brother's comfort but didn't want to do anything to remind him of the accident. He hadn't been involved in the crash, but he'd had to treat Ethan afterwards and it had affected Cal deeply.

Ethan cried for a bit longer, but he knew that it wasn't doing him any good. He dried his eyes and went into the living room. He needed to distract himself. He would watch some TV and hope it sent him to sleep.

* * *

Cal heard Ethan's door closing and the soft sound of his footsteps as he padded away from his room. He knew Ethan was probably just going to the loo, but he resolved not to sleep until Ethan was back in bed.

Not that Cal was finding it easy to sleep tonight. His brother's situation was playing on his mind. Ethan had been pale and distracted all day. He hadn't made any mistakes to Cal's knowledge, but even the smallest difficulties had made him upset and stressed. He'd returned from his lunchbreak with puffy eyes, but when Cal had questioned him, he'd insisted he was perfectly all right apart from a slight eye infection.

Cal knew Ethan had been crying, but he also knew Ethan was determined not to admit to it – and Cal didn't want to try putting pressure on him in case that shattered his fragile control made him cry even more. Cal was grateful when he discovered Connie had told Ethan to stop working in cubicles and spend a couple of hours catching up on paperwork. He'd annoyed Ethan by checking on him frequently, but at least Ethan had seemed calmer. Cal knew there were other people at the hospital who were likely to be affected by the anniversary, but his only concern was Ethan.

Cal lay in bed and waited, but Ethan didn't return.


	2. Chapter 2

_Okay, I was wrong again. This won't be two chapters long: it'll be at least three._

 _Thank you for all the reviews, favourites and follows - it really is amazing._

 **CBloom2** , thank you for your review. I actually hadn't planned on Ethan saying much in this chapter, but after reading your review, I decided that actually he did need to open up a bit! I like the chapter a lot more now so thank you!

 **Becs2202** , you too helped me to realise that Cal and Ethan needed to have a big chat, so thank you for your help! I loved Saturday's episode too, but it did seem strange that they'd left Cal and Ethan out when they both had such a big role in Born Lucky. Thank you for your review!

x **XxAnInspiredWriterxXx** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you enjoyed it - I hope you enjoy this chapter too.

 **ETWentHome** , posting four times a day just seemed like a little bit much - thank you for taking the time and trouble to read and review them all! I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter and I have to agree about Ethan...

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. I really wanted to show in this story that Cal was suffering as well as Ethan. Maybe Cal will break the barrier down soon.

 **rachbob** , thank you for your review - that's really kind of you. I'm glad you enjoyed Chapter 1 and I hope you like the rest too!

* * *

Ethan put the TV on and found a film he rather liked, but his tears continued to flow. He kept thinking of the funeral; of Jeff; of the fact he'd been driving.

He had been told it wasn't his fault; that no-one could have avoided the crash, but he knew that wasn't true. If someone else had been driving, the crash probably wouldn't have happened at all.

He knew that, and with Jeff uppermost in everyone's minds, it was only a matter of time before everyone else realised it too.

* * *

Cal heard Ethan before he saw him. Heartrending wails of anguish came from the direction of the living room. Ethan, who was usually so calm. It was Cal who let things get to him.

Ethan was sitting on the sofa, his arms wrapped around his legs as he cried into his knees. His duvet was around his shoulders and there was a tissue box beside him. Even when he was distraught, he'd considered the necessity of keeping warm and having something to mop his tears up with. Cal knew that, in Ethan's position, he'd have ended up freezing cold and sniffling all over his hand.

Cal sat beside Ethan and took his little brother in his arms. He felt Ethan start, but he didn't resist. He buried his face in Cal's shoulder and cried until his sobs had turned to hiccups as Cal kept telling him it was all right and he was here.

"Sorry, Cal," sniffled Ethan.

"No. Don't apologise." Cal gave Ethan a tissue and sat with his arm around him. "I know it's a difficult time for you and that's okay."

"But it's so much worse for other people," said Ethan.

"Maybe it is," said Cal. "I don't know. But everyone who's hurting needs support. We help every patient who comes to the hospital, don't we? It doesn't matter if one has a broken back and one has a broken finger. We help both of them. So you need help too."

* * *

Ethan didn't know what to say at first, but Cal was unusually patient. They sat together, both snuggled in Ethan's duvet as Cal was starting to shiver in just his boxers.

"Sorry. You probably want to go to bed," said Ethan.

Cal laughed. "Nibbles, I would absolutely love to go to bed, but as there isn't anyone here I'd like to go to bed with, I might as well stay here with you." He became serious. "No, I want to be here, Ethan. If Megan Fox shows up on the doorstep naked, I'm telling her to go away because you're much more important."

Ethan cuddled closer for him, feeling the warmth radiating from Cal's body. Sometimes, Cal could be the most irritating brother in the world, but there were also times when Ethan wouldn't swap him for a million pounds - or even a certain fifteen thousand. "It's just, the closer we get to the date, the more I've been thinking about it."

Cal nodded. "That's understandable."

"I know it's stupid," said Ethan. "It shouldn't really mean anything, just because the date happens to be the same. But I keep thinking about it. Driving the bus. The way I kept talking about the sat-nav. I thought I was being so clever."

Cal stroked Ethan's shoulder.

"Then I drove off," said Ethan as his eyes filled. The tears slipped down his cheeks and he gave a little sob.

"Come here," said Cal, and held Ethan close to him.

"I don't remember what happened after that," sobbed Ethan. "I see it in my dreams, but I don't know if it's real or something I've imagined. But it's always the same. It's coming towards us. I hear and feel the impact. But then..."

Cal felt impact too: the impact of shock hitting him in the stomach. "Ethan, you've been dreaming about it ever since the accident?" How could he not have known? How could he have been so blind?

"Not all the time," said Ethan. "Sometimes I go weeks; even months without having a dream. But then it comes back."

* * *

Ethan buried his face in Cal's chest. He felt as though he could close his eyes and sleep until the 5th, but he knew it wouldn't happen.

He felt Cal stroking his hair.

"It's going to be awful," said Ethan.

"What is?"

"Tomorrow. Just being there. Seeing everyone. Knowing they're thinking about Jeff. Knowing that I was driving."

Cal pushed Ethan away from him, though he didn't let go. "Ethan, you don't still think it's your fault."

"I don't know," sniffed Ethan.

"Of course it's not!" said Cal.

Ethan wiped his eyes. "It's not my fault what the other driver did. But if someone else was driving, we wouldn't have been on that bit of road. They wouldn't have been as cautious as I was. So the car wouldn't have hit us."

"Or it might have hit you with a greater impact and killed everyone in the car," said Cal.

Ethan looked at Cal for a moment, hope rising, but it didn't last. "You can't know that."

"No – but you can't know that any other driver would have avoided the car," said Cal. He gave Ethan another tissue and threw the used one in the general direction of the waste paper basket.

A complaint came automatically to Ethan's lips; he dismissed it as unimportant.

"I know you're not going to believe that just because I told you," said Cal. "You're not eight years old anymore. You don't hang on to every single word I say – and that's sensible considering what rubbish I talk sometimes. But I'm not talking rubbish this time, Ethan. Just think about it. Even I'm right sometimes."

* * *

Cal watched as Ethan nodded; wiped his eyes again. He didn't argue with what Cal had said, and Cal knew that was the best he could hope for. He knew it would take time.

Then Ethan's brown eyes flooded again.

"What is it, Ethan?" Cal asked gently. "You can tell me."

Ethan shook his head, but Cal thought he meant he couldn't talk at the moment. Cal cuddled him and waited.

"I just keep thinking that everyone probably thinks it's me," wept Ethan. "I know I shouldn't say that, Cal. I shouldn't make it all about me. But I was driving."

"I'm sure they don't think that!" said Cal.

Ethan gave a sob. "Everyone will be thinking of Jeff tomorrow. And they should be. He's a hero and they should remember him. But when they look at me, they'll see the reason he died."

"Ethan, it wasn't your fault!" Cal's voice was shaking too now.

"They'll see me walking around, perfectly fine while Jeff is dead!" cried Ethan as the tears poured from his eyes. "Can you imagine how that's going to make them feel, Cal? Can you imagine how much that's going to hurt?"

* * *

Cal looked down at Ethan as he slept, his head on Cal's lap. His eyes and nose were red from crying; his face blotchy and still damp in places.

Cal had told Ethan, numerous times, that nobody blamed him; nobody would look at him and see the instrument of Jeff's death. Nobody would look at Ethan and feel worse.

But he didn't think he'd convinced Ethan and maybe his only hope of convincing him was to ensure he went to work tomorrow.

Cal didn't like the idea of letting Ethan work. Considering how distracted he'd been yesterday, he couldn't imagine Ethan being in any state to treat anyone. If he didn't tell Ethan to stay at home, there was a good chance Connie would send him home as soon as she saw him.

But if he didn't go to work and see for himself that everybody loved him and nobody blamed him, he would be just the same next year and every year after that. Even if Ethan left the ED, he would always be wondering what the others really thought of him.

Cal sighed. He couldn't make a decision now. He would have to see how Ethan was in the morning. After baring his soul to Cal, he might be feeling much better. The best thing Cal could do was try to sleep, though he would have to do it in a sitting position as he wasn't going to risk waking Ethan.

He needed to sleep. It was going to be a difficult day for Cal too.

For Cal, October 4th wasn't the day they'd lost Jeff.

It was the day he'd nearly lost Ethan.


	3. Chapter 3

_Thank you for all the lovely reviews! It really is amazing to get so many. Thank you for the new favourites and follows too. There will be one more chapter after this one._

 **Gillian Kearney Fan** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you're sparing a thought for Cal - it's not easy for him either.

 **CBloom2** , please ramble anytime you like. I don't know anyone in RL who watches Casualty so I am starved of rambles. Maybe, as it was such an emotional time, they decided to go away together, as in your story. Thank you for your review!

 **ETWentHome** , it is really difficult for both of them - so many conflicting emotions, which is another reason to be surprised the Casualty writers didn't explore it! Thank you for your review - I'm glad Cal's reasoning makes sense.

 **beckyboogle** , thank you for your review - I really am happy that you like it. They do need each other - and perhaps Ethan will get his chance to be there for Cal too. That's what we like to see them doing, after all, isn't it?

 **Tato Potato** , I'm glad you liked the ending - the first two chapters were really all about Ethan, but I did want to acknowledge and explore Cal's feelings too. I'm glad you liked Cal's supportiveness! Thank you for your review.

 **Becs2202** , you're right... we will have to see how the brothers cope on the day! You might have guessed that's what the last two chapters are about. Thank you for your review - I'm really happy you like the story.

 **Tanith Panic** , guilt is a very strange thing - which is just as well, or this story wouldn't make sense! Thank you for your review - I'm glad you like the ending. The focus is on Ethan, but this is Cal's story too.

* * *

Ethan woke up on Cal's lap feeling exhausted and sad; not knowing how he was going to get through the day. His head was aching and he felt sick.

Cal stroked his hair. "Why don't you go and grab a shower and I'll make breakfast?"

"Not hungry," mumbled Ethan as he pushed Cal's hand away and sat up.

"Well, I am!" said Cal. "I'll make enough for two, just in case you change your mind. Go on: go and have a shower. You stink!"

* * *

Just the thought spending the whole day looking after Ethan made Cal feel exhausted. But he was exhausted already. He'd slept badly and his whole body was aching.

But that was nothing in comparison with what Ethan was feeling.

"We need to go now," said Cal gently, after he'd persuaded Ethan to eat a small amount of breakfast. They had about ten minutes, but he had a feeling Ethan couldn't do anything quickly at the moment.

"Do you want to drive?" asked Cal, his tone casual.

Ethan shuddered and shook his head.

"It might help," said Cal. He came towards Ethan and put his arm around him.

"You drive, Caleb," said Ethan. He shrugged off Cal's arm and led the way to the car.

* * *

Cal parked the car. "How are you feeling?"

"Never better," said Ethan, his voice wobbly.

Cal breathed in deeply in preparation for a sigh, but then he glanced at Ethan and released his breath quietly. "Ethan, I know you're upset. I know you're scared. But it's going to be okay."

"I know it is," said Ethan, and got out of the car.

Cal wondered he should have let Ethan stay at home. He knew Ethan needed to be there to see for himself that he wasn't blamed, but he was so fragile emotionally and this wasn't the kind of job where Ethan could break down mid-task, or where Cal could be at his side instantly to comfort him. The patients would have to come first.

Even though only one person could ever come first with Cal.

* * *

Ethan's chest felt clogged with emotion and he could hardly breathe.

 _It's just another day_ , he told himself. _Everything is just the same. I will go into the hospital, treat patients and then go home. There's no reason to be upset. I'm not upset. I'm completely fine and I'll continue to be so._

He had to stop walking to let an ambulance go fast. He watched it go, but then a wave of emotion hit him. His eyes filled with tears and he put his hand over his mouth to stop himself from sobbing.

Jeff should be inside that ambulance.

Then Cal was there, hugging him tightly and telling Ethan everything was okay.

"How can it be okay?" Ethan was crying now, unable to stop the tears. "He should be there, Cal. He should be there."

* * *

Cal stood and patted Ethan's back helplessly as he sobbed. One moment, he hoped Ethan would recover before anyone could see him. The next, he longed for someone to come along and help him because he didn't know what to do.

He ran a hand through Ethan's hair. "It's okay, Ethan. It's okay." It might be easier once he'd got Ethan inside. They wouldn't be able to see any ambulances from inside.

He didn't know if he was relieved or terrified when Connie appeared. She looked at them both without surprise or anger. "What's happened?"

"Ethan's upset," said Cal.

"Yes, Dr Knight: I gathered that!" said Connie. She put her hand on Ethan's shoulder and spoke to him gently, as though he were a child. "Ethan, it's Mrs Beauchamp. Can you turn around for me?"

Ethan turned to face her. "I'm sorry, Mrs Beauchamp. I'm all right really."

Connie stroked his arm. "Don't apologise, Ethan. I know it's a difficult day for you. Whenever it gets too much, you need to go and have a break."

"I'll look after him, Mrs Beauchamp," said Cal, his arm firmly around Ethan. "I won't leave him for a second."

"Caleb, I do understand how worried you are, but we're running an emergency department," said Connie. "Not a babysitting service. We can manage without Ethan when we have to, but we need you."

Cal knew that a sensible person would give up, but he wasn't at all sure he was one. "How about if we just work together all day? I won't let him do anything if he's not up to it. He can just observe me doing everything brilliantly."

Connie sighed. "This isn't an entertainment venue either."

"Please?" said Cal.

There was a glint of amusement in Connie's eyes. "Dr Knight, are you begging?"

"Yes!" said Cal.

* * *

Ethan almost couldn't bear it. He was in the hospital, but he wasn't part of anything. Cal was doing all the work while he hung around in the background.

Nobody had spoken to him. All they'd done was say hello. Ethan had no idea what they were feeling.

It was stupid of him to come. Stupid of him to agree with Cal's idea.

Ethan turned and left the cubicle. He didn't know where he was going. He couldn't see where he was going. He blinked desperately to stop the tears from falling.

"Ethan!" Someone wearing blue caught him by the shoulders. "What's wrong? Shall I get Cal?"

Ethan shook his head. He felt a tear escaping.

Lofty – he was sure it was Lofty – kept hold of him. "What's happened, Ethan?"

"Do you hate me?" blurted Ethan. He cringed at his own words.

"Of course I don't hate you," said Lofty. "No-one hates you. Come on. Let's go to the staff room and I'll make you some tea."

* * *

Cal knew Ethan had gone. He'd heard nothing, but he knew that his brother wasn't there anymore. All he wanted was to go after him; to check he was all right. As soon as he could, he mumbled an excuse to his patient and went to the staff room.

To his relief, Ethan was there. Lofty had his arm around him and was speaking to him soothingly.

"No-one blames you, Ethan. We're all a little bit sad today, but not because of anything you did. Everyone loves you." Lofty looked up. "Hey, Cal."

Cal sat on Ethan's other side and Ethan leaned against him, hiding his face in Cal's shoulder. Cal rubbed his back in circles and felt Ethan's shoulders shaking. Cal closed his eyes. He felt teary too now. Ethan was usually so strong. He felt Lofty squeezing his arm, a sympathetic look on his face.

At last, Ethan sat up. "I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologise for having feelings," said Cal. "I never do, do I? Lofty, will you stay with him while I get his stuff?"

"No, I'm staying," said Ethan.

Cal shook his head. "I don't think that's a good idea."

Ethan's eyes were red but determined. "I'm staying, Cal."

* * *

Ethan walked down the corridor at Cal's side. Cal kept shooting him worried looks but made no further attempts to convince Ethan to go home. Ethan actually wanted to go home, but he also wanted to do his job.

He saw Zoe coming and felt nervous, but she looked sympathetic as she stopped and smiled at Ethan. "How are you feeling, Ethan? It must be difficult. But it's good to see you."

"Really?" said Ethan doubtfully.

"Of course really!" Zoe gave him a hug. "I'm here if you want to talk. It's a very emotional time and it's bound to bring up some old emotions and that's okay. That's normal. It was a terrible accident, Ethan. For everyone who was involved. But it was an accident. It was no-one's fault."

Ethan spoke through a big lump of emotion. "Thank you, Zoe."

"It's okay, Ethan." Zoe turned to Cal and hugged him too. "I'm sure today brings back memories for you too, Cal. I'm glad you're here for your brother, but I'm here if you need to talk."

* * *

The next person they saw was Lily. Cal felt Ethan tense as she stopped in front of them, blocking their way.

"Ethan, are you all right?" she asked.

Ethan nodded. "Couldn't be better. Thank you, Lily."

"Good." Lily took his words at face value. "I'm glad," she said in a softer voice before moving away.

Cal gave Ethan a quick hug. "You see? Lily, Zoe, Lofty and Connie don't blame you."

"Maybe," said Ethan, but he still looked far from reassured.


	4. Chapter 4

**Tato Potato** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter. Now all we need is Ethan to recognise it's a difficult day for Cal too!

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you so much! I'm really happy you liked the chapter. I like the idea of the sense of internal healing. I hadn't especially intended that, but I love that it's coming across!

* * *

Ethan was trailing behind Cal when Connie appeared. "Dr Knight, I'm going to need you in Resus. Dr Hardy…" She scanned his face, perhaps assessing his fitness for work. "Go and have a break."

She walked off. Guilt and shame flooded through Ethan. He knew he didn't look either competent or professional. He lowered his head, staring at the floor as tears filled his eyes again.

Cal squeezed his arm. "Go on, Ethan. I'll come and find you as soon as I've finished."

"I don't want to go to the staff room."

"But you'll just be in the way in Resus," said Cal gently.

"I'll stay out of the way."

Cal sighed. "Okay. If you want to disobey Mrs Beauchamp, that's up to you."

* * *

Cal and Ethan stood side by side as they waited for the patient to arrive. Ethan's face was pale and he was trembling. Cal tried to give Ethan a hug, but Ethan gave him such an icy glare, Cal let go of him.

He knew what the real problem was. The paramedics would be here at any moment and the chances are that one of them would be Dixie.

He touched Ethan's arm. "Ethan, are you sure you want to do this?"

"Completely sure," said Ethan.

* * *

Every nerve felt stretched to screaming point and all Ethan wanted was to flee. But he was determined not to do that. He would stick this out. Even if Dixie screamed that it was all his fault and he should have died instead.

The doors opened. Ethan followed Cal mechanically towards the trolley and helped to get the patient into Resus and onto one of the beds.

A hand touched his arm. "Hi, Ethan," said Dixie. "It's good to see you."

Ethan looked at her uncertainly.

"Aren't you helping?" said Dixie, nodding towards the patient.

Ethan shook his head mutely.

"I'm glad, if I'm honest," said Dixie.

Ethan froze. It hurt, but he understood. She didn't want him killing her patient as he'd killed her husband.

"I wanted to speak to you," said Dixie. She took Ethan's clammy hand in hers. "Jeff isn't here today and of course I miss him. I won't go into what I felt then, but I'll tell you something I feel now. The reason you and the others still here; that you pulled through is – at least partly – because Jeff was a hero. Every time I look at you, I feel proud of him and everything he achieved."

"But if I'd died," said Ethan through a flood of tears, "maybe he'd still be here."

Dixie shook her head. "We can't know what might have happened. We only know what is. And I'm happy, Ethan. Today isn't the easiest day, but I'm glad to be sharing it with people who cared about Jeff." She hugged him. "We're having drinks in the pub later, to remember Jeff. I really hope you'll be there."

Ethan sniffed and brushed his tears away. "I don't know, Dixie. But thank you. Thank you for everything you said."

* * *

Cal tried not to think too deeply, but he couldn't help it. The patient's breathing was difficult, laboured and abnormally fast; his pulse was weak but tachycardic; his jugular venous pressure was elevated; he was feverish; his extremities were cold and clammy – though so were Cal's, inside his gloves.

Everything pointed to fluid in the pericardial sac. "It's a cardiac tamponade," he said, his voice hoarse, but at least that meant Ethan was less likely to hear. "I'll do a pericardiocentesis."

He'd done it before. He'd done it on his brother. He could cope with doing it on a stranger.

He tried to keep his voice steady as he gave instructions. There wasn't time for a FBC or to check clotting parameters. The patient had an intravenous access line and was receiving supplemental oxygen, but Cal decided against the placement of a nasogastric tube to depress the stomach. He would have to manage without that.

The equipment was laid out in ready for him. Syringes, Scalpel. Needles. Spinal needle. Everything he'd used for Ethan.

But he'd saved Ethan, he reminded himself.

Cal asked the nurses to adjust the bed so the patient was in a semi-recumbent position, bringing the heart closer to the anterior chest wall.

He identified the 5th and 6th ribs. He let the nurses know he would insert the needle at the left sternocostal margin and they put drapes around the chosen site. Cal cleaned the subxiphoid area with antiseptic and administered the local anaesthetic. He picked up a No. 11 blade scalpel.

He glanced at the patient's face.

Ethan?

Cal blinked and the image of his brother's face faded. He moved the scalpel slowly towards the left sternocostal margin.

His hand was shaking. That had happened with Ethan too. But this wasn't Ethan. Was it?

Cal moved back and looked at the patient's face again.

Ethan. It was Ethan.

* * *

Ethan watched as Cal picked up the scalpel and moved it towards the patient, but then he was suddenly moving backwards, away from the patient.

Ethan grasped him by the shoulders, stopping him. "Cal, what is it?"

He could feel Cal trembling. "Ethan? Is that you? I thought…" His head swung in the direction of the patient. "I thought…"

"Cal, you can't do this procedure," said Ethan. He gently took the scalpel from Cal. . "We'll get…" Ethan stopped as he realised all the doctors were busy.

He wondered briefly about a swap but realised Cal wasn't capable of treating anyone.

There was only one option. Ethan rubbed Cal's shoulder. "I'll do it," he said quietly.

Ethan put the scalpel down and pulled on some gloves. He saw the relief on the nurse's face as he bent over the patient. The drapes meant he was able to identify the chosen site at once. He punctured the skin, then connected a syringe to the spinal needle.

To his surprise, he found he was calm. The patient needed him. Cal needed him. And he would do everything he could for both of them.

* * *

Cal looked up as Zoe entered. "How's Ethan?"

Zoe sat beside him. "Ethan's doing very well. Connie was going to take over, but there was no need."

"And the patient?" said Cal.

"The patient is doing very well too – though of course we'll continue to monitor him," said Zoe. "Are you okay?"

"I don't know," said Cal. "I looked at his face and it was Ethan's face."

"I'm not surprised that threw you," said Zoe. She put her arm around him. "And you couldn't have performed the procedure in those circumstances. Your head wasn't right."

"It should have been," said Cal. "And I just kept thinking: what if I'd panicked like that when it really was Ethan? I mean, I did panic a little bit. But I still did it."

Zoe rubbed his shoulder. "The situations were different, Cal. When you were treating Ethan, there was no alternative. When you were treating your patient today, there was another option. You were right to take it."

"Ethan wasn't in any condition to be working."

"Maybe saving you doesn't count as work," said Zoe.

Cal laughed shakily. " Saving me is as natural as breathing for Ethan."

"Maybe it is," said Zoe. "But he wouldn't have been able to save you if you hadn't saved him a year ago."

"I want to go back in there."

Zoe shook her head firmly. "No. You should stay here."

"I want to support Ethan," said Cal. "He was there for me and I want him to know I'm there for him too."

* * *

Ethan looked down at the patient and noticed the improvements. It wasn't over yet: the patient would continue to be monitored and it was possible further complications could occur, such as dysrhythmias or pneumopericardium, but the pericardiocentesis had been successful. Ethan closed his eyes and allowed himself to feel a moment's relief. He'd done it. Despite Jeff. Despite everything.

"Well done, Dr Hardy," said Connie. "I'll take it from here. Go and get yourself a drink and then go home and take your brother with you." She looked over Ethan's shoulder. "You were lucky, Dr Knight, that your brother was able to step in."

Ethan turned to see Cal standing in the corner. He was pale and his eyes looked a bit red. Ethan walked towards him.

"Ethan, I'm sorry," said Cal, his eyes filling.

"It's all right," said Ethan. "It happens to everyone." He put his arms around Cal. "Don't worry about it. I'm… I'm sorry you couldn't do the pericardiocentesis. I knew it would bring back memories and it must have been horrible. But I'm glad I've done something good this time."

Cal held Ethan tightly in his arms. "You've never done anything bad, Ethan. But if this has helped you in any way, then I'm glad too."

"It did help me," said Ethan. "You helped me." He looked over at Connie, feeling calmer than he had for a long time. "I'll go home if you insist, Mrs Beauchamp. But unless Cal needs me, I would like to stay. I'm feeling much better and I'd like to do my job."

"And so would I," said Cal quickly. "I'm okay now."

Connie looked at him appraisingly. "Very well. You do look much better, Dr Hardy. You can both work in cubicles for the rest of the day – and well done, both of you."

"I didn't do anything," said Cal.

"Oh, yes, you did," said Ethan.

* * *

Cal and Ethan hadn't gone more than a few steps before Cal pulled Ethan into a hug again. "Well done, Ethan. And thank you. I don't know how I'm going to repay you."

"I know a way," said Ethan.

"I'll do it," said Cal. "Even if it involves housework, I'll do it."

Ethan shook his head. "Not this time. Dixie asked me to go to the pub after work. To remember Jeff. Will you go with me? And make sure I stay?"

Cal smiled. "After today, Ethan, I really don't think you need me. But of course I'll be there. We can remember him together."


End file.
